I feel like this is something I probably should post on my personal blog, but given the nature of that blog and the rambly nature of this post, I decided to dump it here.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to go back in time and change something. I am not a risk taker. I am the type of person who will stop before making any meaningful decision and consider the pros and cons of this decision. By the time I have made a choice on my course of action, I’ve lost the opportunity and wasted my time.
Decisiveness is not one of my key traits.
I wish I was more decisive. I would love if there was some sort of intuitive sense that gave the right answer to every situation every time, but that’s just wishful thinking.
There was one time I tried to be decisive. And it almost worked out for me.
BACKGROUND INFO: I go to a very small private Christian school. This means that I have been in the same class, with basically the same people since Pre-Kindergarten. This could be seen as a good thing or a bad thing. I consider small class size a double-sided blessing.
It was midnight back in January of this year. I had drunk at least 3 Mountain Dews and had been working on my script and listening to chillstep for at least 2 hours. However, I just couldn’t focus on my project at all. I, like many other 16-year-old guys, just couldn’t get the concept of having a girlfriend out of my mind.
I have a rant about dating in a small Christian school like mine. It’s quite honestly pointless drama at its finest. Yet there I was yearning for something I had told myself I didn’t want.
I had liked the same girl [SIDE RAMBLE- Is it appropriate in today’s society to refer to a teenage female as a “girl?” Probably fine, just seemed odd after I typed it. Ramble over.] ever since the 7th grade. I’m the type of guy who didn’t tell my best friend about it until a year later. And the word had spread over the past four years. Of course it would have, because everyone knew basically everything in this type of environment. At that point, I guess she knew but I had never talked to her about it.
As you can probably tell, I’m great at off-topic rambling.
So can you guess what I did?
I pulled up Microsoft Outlook, typed in her email address, and just started typing whatever popped into my head. I talked about how stupid it was that I was expressing my feelings over email. I talked about how I was sick with people telling me how to approach a female with simple charm and turn it into a serious relationship. I told her about how I well my emotions up and try to never talk about them. I tried to explain to her why I was attracted to her. I told her why I hadn’t told her about this before. I found several different ways to eloquently call myself a weeny. And then I told her how terrified I was of myself sometimes.
And then I apologized.
I scrolled through the email, my heart thumping as I clicked the send button. It was 2 in the morning, but I texted my best friend anyway. That’s what a real best friend is. Someone who is willing to deal with relationship crap at 2 AM. I forwarded him the email, and I heard the obligatory “Dude, you’re stupid, but wait this out and see. Lol I’m gonna sleep now. K bye.”
I couldn’t fall asleep that night. I thought of all the things that possibly could have gone wrong, but yet there was still a sense of gladness.
I had finally done something impulsive.
As I slowly drifted out of consciousness, I felt a little bit of inner peace that I’d never expected. I had just done something that would normally make me freak out. But there was a feeling of calm that I did not expect.
The next day I refreshed my email client all day. I remember it well because it was a Monday, but it was a Monday I had off. I would constantly refresh, hoping for some sort of response. I had stated in my email that I didn’t expect a response, and I was just hoping that she would read it. I regretted putting that line in there all day. I hoped for some sort of interaction whether it be good or bad, I just wanted to know what she felt.
It wasn’t until 5:30 that evening that I got the response. For lack of a better way to communicate it, I’m just going to copy the email. If the author of this email somehow stumbles upon it and wants me to take it down, just let me know and I’ll do so immediately.
I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to reply. It was kind of surprising to me that you took the time to write all that and actually tell me how you feel, but I’m glad you did…..
Okay, maybe I do like you. I guess I’m just not the type of person to admit to that kind of stuff. Maybe I’m just afraid to admit it. I never even considered having this conversation before with anyone. I guess I’ve never even considered having more than just good friendships in highschool. I never ever thought it would actually happen to me.
Anyway, you make me laugh all the time. I like how you’re not afraid to open up and talk about how you’re struggling and what you’re feeling. I want you to know that I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. You can talk to me about anything. I like talking to you. I love being able to spend time with you.
Thanks again for doing this. And again I’m sorry for how long I took.
I hope you had a very nice long weekend!
Talk to you later!
This was exactly the response I was wanting to hear! I immediately texted my best friend and we celebrated. [over SMS, nevertheless. Real friendships right here.]
And then she sent me another email filled with encouraging things 5 hours later! I went to bed that night overjoyed, excited for the opportunity the next day had in store for me! I would finally talk to her and develop the close relationship that I had been yearning for!
Then the next day came.
One moment of mindless courage does not immediately change a person. The next day I went into school, and never talked to her. She texted me later that evening, and I responded politely, but nothing ever came out of it.
For months the same thing happened. I sat beside her at lunch everyday, and made polite conversation, but no deep personal connection that I thought I saw in the email.
I sent another email, similar in nature to the first, four months later, but to no avail. No response.
I had such an awesome opportunity right in front of me enabled by decisive fear-crushing action, yet the fear came back the very next day and destroyed everything I had hoped for.
I wish I could offer advice to anyone in a similar situation, but I’m still none the wiser. I hope that someday I can figure out how to defeat the fear that lingers inside of me, constantly waiting to strike.
And I’m sorry for a really long depressing post. I think it’s good to get some of this out of my system, and I had the time. Video renders take forever on old machines!
It’s 1 AM, and I still have next to no progress on some the promotional content I’m working on for the Pursuit of Grace. I may make a blog post about that either here or on the PoG website.
I’m probably not going to be posting many of these types of posts, but I think there is a place for them. Also- 1363 words. Wow.