By DEATH TO MUSHROOMS
Mum must have been pretty proud of herself for getting me to write in a diary because she went and bought me a new one. But I’m not going to write in it because I know that Brian, my older brother, will want to get his hands on it. He got my last one and that was a disaster. Brian bribes my little brother, Jim, with lollies. I had better keep this diary locked up if I ever do write in it because little Jimmy really loves those gummy bears.
Brian has been acting all weird. He is actually helpful and he doesn’t bug me anymore. It’s very strange.
Even without my Brian problems my summer holidays were pretty lousy. We didn’t go anywhere or do anything and that’s Dad’s fault. He made me go to tennis lessons which were really bad.
First of all, I didn’t have a racket, so the tennis club lent me one, but it was collapsible. Every time I swung my racket it would fold into five pieces.
But that wasn’t all. Heaps of people had joined and there were only five courts, so there were about ten people in one court. I would have hit lots of people but the racket would collapse and that’s about the only good thing about collapsible rackets.
Finally, the club has hard plastic balls that really hurt when they hit you (which happens to me a lot) because they are a bit short on money despite all the people who joined. I have a ton of bruises all over me.
So that’s why I am looking forward to school tomorrow.
When I got there everyone was acting strange. They were screaming and running away from me. Then I remembered: I still had the Cheese Touch from last year. The problem with the Cheese Touch is that you have it until you give it to someone else. There was a new girl so that was taken care of.
“How you doin’?” I say, slapping her on the back.
I saw Marilla, my best friend, by the lockers. She showed me her diary which had a dinosaur and car battlefield on the cover. After seeing hers, I’m not going to complain about the style of mine anymore.
I was next to a really smart kid until the last lesson. His name is Adrian Agnew. People with last names that start with A, B or C get called on most by teacher, therefore they are smarter. Some people don’t believe it, but if you come to my school you’ll change your mind.
Adrian Agnew=Smart. Jack Riola=Dumb.
In the last lesson I had a feeling Mr Huff, the English teacher, has had Brian a few years back.
“Miss Sadie Jones, you’ll be sitting in this chair next to my desk.”
I’ve found out why Brian is nice now. He has a blog and he doesn’t know that I go on it. He writes that his parents are going to ground him and take away his phone, computer and TV if he keeps up his “naughtiness”. I actually miss the old Brian, though.
Mum is making me do the dusting. Brian helps, of course. Ever since she assigned me, Dad has been going to the basement to work on these wood Chinese army statues of his. He goes down for about three hours after dinner. We can hear the sound of Dad scraping and a chainsaw sometimes. But Mum has other plans. She wants Dad to go to the “Love Store” (bleugh!). Dad came up with a plan. He called his identical twin brother, John, and made him go. However, John made the plan fail on purpose. He acted gross and Mum knew it wasn’t him. She doesn’t talk to Dad anymore. As punishment, Mum made him watch romantic comedies which he hates but Dad made a decoy out of pillows and just did his Chinese army. Mum never found out about it until I needed lozenges because I had a sore throat. Dad sleeps with his pants on and he keeps the lozenges in his pocket. Mum found out and got real angry and treated Dad like a child. No TV, bed at 8:00, water in his cereal and no Chinese army.
Madame Lefrere is making us get penpals. When I handed in the form she told it has to be a French person. So I don’t exactly have high hopes for my penpal.
I heard something coming from Dad’s room so I decided to investigate. There was Dad, crying with his thumb in his mouth hugging my Barney Bear. I didn’t say anything because Dad gets in a temper for no reason when anyone tries to calm him when he’s crying. He pushed down his doona revealing Berry Bunny, Fluffy and Hopper. So that’s where they went!
Mr Huff gave us a spelling test to see how rusty we had gone in the holidays. It brought back old memories…
It was in the fourth-grade spelling bee that I realized I was invisible. Well not really, just A-N-O-N-Y-M-O-U-S. Even though I won, I was still a
“That is… correct!’’
No one clapped. No one cheered. Even the judges didn’t say, “Congratulations!” Then people started booing me. I burst into tears on the stage.
There were other memories, but I prefer not to say them.
Mum made me go to the mall, which I hate. I thought it was because she wanted mother/daughter time. But then I realized she wanted to get away from Brian’s band’s music, which is understandable.
Mum got me an awesome touch phone but she says it is only for emergencies. I told her that every call I make will be an emergency because I would just e-mail instead. Mum says that I am an emergency to her.
I came up with a plan to get Brian restored to normal and then I told him. He says it’s a good idea and he’ll do it.
Brian got a call from me but he said to Mum that it was Maria, Mum’s sister. Mum told Brian to tell Maria that she wasn’t there so he quickly pushed Mum on the front porch.
“My mother is not inside the house right now but I will go and fetch her.”
He put the phone to Mum’s ear. Later, Mum said he could go back to normal. I’m so smart, aren’t I?
Today Max Ziegel (or Maxi Max), a bully, pulled down my pants.. He had bullied me so many times before but I had done nothing about it. So I decided to take action. I went to a karate academy to learn how to defend myself. I was pretty good so I jumped a couple of belts to the orange one. I got bruises on my hand from trying to break bricks. Guess I’m not up to that stage yet.
Today we wrote our first letters to our penpals. I was supposed to write in French and my penpal needed to write in English.
To keep things simple, let’s both write in English.
I like your name, Marie. It’s an English name, I think. Hey, what are your favourite things in the world?
Sincerely, Sadie Jones
I know, it’s a weird letter, but I didn’t know what to write.
I got my reply really quick.
I like the sunshiny days and ice cream. Do you too?
In Science we made slime. We got to keep it which is great because I can prank people. At Art we did soap carving. I became way behind so I brought it home even though I wasn’t allowed to. The soap smelled like girls’ perfume and it gave me an idea.
It’s great to have Brian back but I re-thought about it tonight.
Brian had a party when Mum and Dad were both at work. He locked me in the basement. I was ready for this because he did it at his last party. I had discovered a trapdoor with stairs leading up to my room. So I went up and went down. I quietly got the silent blender and ran back up to my bedroom. I put in all my soap shavings, water and some of my cheap perfume. Then I blended it, put it in a bottle, went in Brian’s room, put it in his perfume bottle and waited in the basement. Soon Brian came and sprayed it on. He didn’t bother to smell it and went downstairs. Heavy metal music turned on and then gags and insults could be heard and then a deafening shout, “SADIE!!!!” I laughed my head off and ran up to my bedroom. When he ran up to my bedroom I went to the basement. This continued until Mum and Dad got back at 2:00.
There was no sign that a party had been made, but with the way they were poking around I’m sure they’ll find out soon.
He’s lucky little Jimmy wasn’t there. Ever since he learned to talk he’s been telling on Brian for things he saw Brian do when he was little.
“Bubber fwowed big wock at sissy!”
Translation: Brother threw big rock at sister. He doesn’t tell on me, though.
I told on Brian a lot but ever since he found out about an incident that happened last year I don’t anymore. He will expose my secret to the world and probably make it sound worse. So here it is (not Brian’s twisted version):
I tripped on a rock and fell into mud. When I got up a bird pooped on me. And then when I went to the toilets to wash my face I tripped over another rock and landed in a pile of rotten fish.
One word: WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Today the principal announced that the 9th grade (me) were invited to Football Weekend. There were squeals of excitement at this. I went there last year and it was awesome!
The school got into a bus and drove to the beach where St. April’s School students were swimming and relaxing. We got out, unpacked our things in a large hut and went swimming. The water was cool and perfect. I watched with amusement as Marilla gave Paige a piece of chilli, convincing her it was a lolly. Paige’s face went red when she ate it and Marilla gave her a bottle of Coke. When she opened the bottle it burst out, soaking her face and clothes. I giggled. Paige is my arch enemy. She’s so mean. Sneaky mean. The mean that teachers never see. The really mean mean.
Marilla and I swam to the funny boat things with horizontal poles each side. We swung on them and as I did I hit Maxi Max. It’s lucky I went to that karate academy.
At night we slept in the huts. Occasionally a seagull would come in and poop on the floor.
We drove to the St. April’s football field. The cheerleaders lined up where the players would come out. As they did their high kicks some of them got hit.
At half time I watched as our school’s football manager opened a briefcase full of yummy food. They ate it in a jiffy. One player stuffed a pizza slice in his helmet.
Later, that same player had the ball and he was running at full speed. But one guy blocked him and has he did, red sauce and yellow cheese oozed out of his helmet. There was a gasp, a shriek, “I kicked his brains out!” and the thump as the blocker fainted and hit the ground. It was all very entertaining!
Didn’t Maxi Max get a shock. He pulled down my pants again to reveal my white karate pants. I took off my top to show my green belt (I’m a fast learner) and white karate top. He walked away with a few bruises and I was crowned best girl of the school. Joke! But they did make me go crowd surfing.
Mr Huff is giving us an assignment to write a story. That should be easy enough.
The school is holding a fundraiser for the animal shelter. The girls were happy but the boys weren’t, of course. I decided to make cupcakes so I set to work. To make a long story short, the end result was not cupcakes.
I’ve written the story:
Once upon a time there was a monkey called Ooey. He defeated mean villains. One day, he was in a battle and he died. The end.
Mr Huff gave me an F, which is understandable.
I’ve an idea to go in cheerleading. So at lunch time when the try-outs were happening I went. Lina (cheer squad leader) made me go to the top of the pyramid and she says it’s an honour to be at the top. When I got up I did and fell down. No cheerleading for me, then.
I took a picture of Brian throwing up today. He had too many cakes, I think. This could be my chance to get him under my thumb for the first time!
Mum’s Indian friend, Deepa, went with Mum and I to the mall. In the car they laughed hysterically. I swear, I could still hear their laughs after they had stopped!
Today was Marilla’s birthday party. I would have had fun if I were about seven. The theme was Barbie! She mostly got dolls but she seemed pretty happy about it. I decided to hide in the ball pit but a kid was already there. He was playing hide and seek and no one found. After we found the kid’s parents Marilla’s parents said they would extend the party because of the kid. I decided to hide in the hollow cake. But there were guys in undies already in there. I am beginning to dislike Marilla.
Today is choir practice. Marilla joined in and she’s really bad. She made me forget how to sing and this continued on to everyone until we sounded like rats in pain.
Today Marilla and I had a fight and we aren’t friends anymore. I made a new friend called Hannah.
I decided what to do with the slime. I poured it on Paige’s seat and she sat on it. When she got up her bum crack showed.
Hannah’s really nice. She bought me a worm farm. Wait a minute. Have I gone crazy?
I think I have. Today in Social Studies I went ballistic for no reason.
Mum brought me to the doctor. He said that I had a blockage in my brain and I needed surgery to fix it. I snorted. Surely, it was just a really bad joke, but I soon learned I was wrong.
I went to have my surgery. I was really scared and my teeth chattered so hard I thought they were going to come off.
Now I am going to have amnesia for a little while. I was recovering in the hospital, wondering where I was.
At least there really was nothing important to remember.